| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| treking |
Posted - 11/07/2007 : 18:20:00
I say, I say-----
I met a bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen.
I thought thats Abboriginal
Trek
We are here for Dusty. |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Sara |
Posted - 18/05/2008 : 00:03:30
LOL! These are ace!
Sara x |
| Motown Diva |
Posted - 17/05/2008 : 20:31:46
hehehe I'm lovin' it!
xXx |
| Clare |
Posted - 17/05/2008 : 14:51:34
A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the men is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Clare xx |
| Clare |
Posted - 17/05/2008 : 14:30:27
These are great, let's have some more
Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blonde replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".
Clare xx |
| Motown Diva |
Posted - 07/05/2008 : 18:20:22
LMAO!
xXx |
| Earthbound Gypsy |
Posted - 07/05/2008 : 17:45:26
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Th e youn gest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you ex amined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see , but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
|
| Earthbound Gypsy |
Posted - 07/05/2008 : 17:37:44
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of
a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and
always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked
pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the
poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to
the woman one day by the stream. 'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'
The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your
side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'
'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted
flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.'
'For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to
decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we
each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for
the good in them.
SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to
smell the flowers on your side of the path!
Marty |
| Earthbound Gypsy |
Posted - 07/05/2008 : 17:30:46
Lot's Wife:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
**************************************************** * * * * * *
THE GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch thedrama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
**************************************************** * * * * *
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"Not hardly," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
**************************************************** * * * * *
A HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
**************************************************** * * * *
MOSES &THE RED SEA :
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When He got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked?
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
**************************************************** * * * * *
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
**************************************************** * * * * *
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
**************************************************** * * * * *
BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say? " The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
**************************************************** * * * * *
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary 's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, " Gary , whatever made you do such a thing?
Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle .. And He just then did!"
**************************************************** * * * * *
TIME TO PRAY:
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.. "Yes sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked. "No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the day time."
**************************************************** * * * * *
BEWARE OF TRASH:
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.
**************************************************** * * * * *
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
**************************************************** * * * * *
SAY A PRAYER:
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away."Johnny wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to," The boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating, at our house."
"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
Marty |
| Sara |
Posted - 04/05/2008 : 21:00:37
Ace
Sara x |
| sparkie |
Posted - 04/05/2008 : 01:14:38
Three blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks.
The first blonde says: "I think they're deer tracks."
The second blonde says: "No, I think they're bear tracks."
The third blonde says: "You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!"
Then they get hit by a train.
|
| Carole R. |
Posted - 30/04/2008 : 10:04:48
Nice One!
Carole R xx |
| douggie |
Posted - 30/04/2008 : 06:26:40
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was
created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his.'
Douggie
The Truth is out There! |
| Motown Diva |
Posted - 29/04/2008 : 15:47:18
I'll stick to the 'clean' ones for now, some are a wee bit rude for such sensitive lil ears...
Geography Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrian's Wall is?
Pupil: Where he left it Miss!
What do you call a man with leaves on his head?.....Russell!
Little Miss Muffet
sat on her tuffet,
eating her favourite lunch.
A giant went by
looking up to the sky...
And Little Miss Muffet went CRUNCH! |
| treking |
Posted - 29/04/2008 : 15:27:10
Keep em coming cause a smile is better than a frown!
Trek
Also known as Carole. |
| Motown Diva |
Posted - 29/04/2008 : 15:22:59
Two cannibals are sitting eating a clown. The one turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
xXx
|
| Motown Diva |
Posted - 29/04/2008 : 15:19:10
A man walks into a bar....
..."ouch!"
Emz xXx |
| Brian |
Posted - 29/04/2008 : 08:01:22
We have an oil crisis in the UK
All our oil is located in the North Sea, so why are all the dipsticks located in Westminster?
Brian. |
| Brian |
Posted - 29/04/2008 : 07:59:38
It was the wedding night, and the bride said to her new husband - 'Alan I have somehing to tell you'... 'I was once a hooker'
Alan said 'we all have a past, but I find that strangly erotic - tell me about it'
The bride says 'I WAS CALLED NIGEL AND PLAYED FOR WIGAN' !!
Brian. |
| Motown Diva |
Posted - 27/04/2008 : 16:40:23
Hey, did you hear about the incident involving some toilets being stolen from a police station the other day? When asked, one of the policemen replied that they could not take the case any further because....
.... they had nothing to go on!!!
xXx |
| Carole R. |
Posted - 25/04/2008 : 23:50:31
Thanks, I needed that...
Carole R xx |
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